Our Bodies in Sickness and in Health

It betrays us, the body, with its strange aptitude for seeming unsullied, during the long years it often takes for signs of our ailing to reach its surface. And when the body is lithe and graceful, adorned in glittering raiment, smooth-skinned and diamond-eyed, capable climbing mountains and riding bikes forever, and able to  erupt with laughter, it is downright deceptive. It is a projector, casting aspersions on our concerns and flickering out a performance that fools us all. I am fine, it says. I have overcome all that’s ugly inside me. I am exactly what you hope that I’ll be.

This is a slightly paraphrased version of a paragraph form one of the many cancer books I have been reading (can't remember which one) and it says how I feel some days.

Years of feeling "not quite right" but not specific enough in my complaints for doctors to delve further to see what was wrong. I knew something was wrong but when the authority figures say "things look OK here" were they really thinking "you're getting old - get used to it". I often wonder how many years this has been growing in me and will we really be saying good-by to it when treatments are done? Will the fear always be apart of my life now?


I'm close to the end of treatments. Only two more radiations and two big chemos left. The end is in sight but then there is the void when you aren't seeing Doctors and nurses all the time. How long will it take to learn to trust my body again. I look at it and how all the muscles are gone. How going up a flight of stairs leaves me breathless. Oh, so much work to do. At least I am determined to do it and I have the training to do it right - the motivation do be consistent may be another problem.

I climbed this mountain (Rainier) and I can climb the strength, health and wellness mountain, too.